Somewhat Slightly Down

Live chickens being transported by bicycle.

 

Well, the run of frivolity since New Year has gradually worn off. Had a bit of a pants day today. May have been something to do with limping quarter of an hour down a mud path in search of a moto. Got home, more puss, more salt, stung so much and so worn-down by the pain of it I just burst into tears and choked back more Anadin. Fed up with it. It's very almost healed proper though, so need to persevere. Just really hurts a lot.

But what got my spirits down more than anything was the staff meeting today. Thought it'd be a change, thought there might be light at the end of the tunnel... but no, it was an oncoming train.

Yesterday, I'd been working from home. I do that a lot at the moment, which is never a good sign. Our Vice-Chair hasn't been seen in the office for months, our women's rep is in Uganda as her father is very sick, our Project Co-ordinator is also sick and has a new baby. The only people I ever see in there are the Youth Rep and the Accountant, who is usually, as I am when I'm in, resting her head on the desk and wishing the internet would speed up so she can check her e-mails.

All in all I reason I might as well save the FRW 800 round trip, the wear-and-tear on my laptop, and the indecision of which wall of bricks to count next, and just get on with whatever I can within easy distance of a toilet and kettle. I go in now and then, when I have a meeting, need to use the printer, or if someone asks me to be around, but, from long days reading cheap paperbacks, I've realised that whether I'm there or not makes very little difference to the place. Just one more body to stand in the way of the tumbleweed.

My Programme Manager has suggested it's a self-perpetuated cycle: that I don't go in because no-one's around and no-one's around because I don't go in. Sort of the chicken and egg syndrome, really. Which just seems to logically suggest that when I am around no one else is and when I'm not around no one else is either. And, as much as I would like to think that if I stick a poster on the wall announcing my arrival at 9:00 on a Wednesday morning crowds would appear and constructive conversations abound... well, yes, I can see you're as optimistic as I am there.

*shrug*

So, I finally nailed my boss, the Youth Rep, and the extremely tired, full-of-cold Accountant to chairs and pulled my slightly crumpled, pre-e-mailed agenda from my back pocket where it was - and would have better remained - insulating my arse.

Before I even got to point one on the list, my boss was off.

Not enough money.

VSO don't understand the issues.

Not enough money.

Everything's a problem.

Problem.

Problem.

Okay.

So what're the solutions,

Solutions,

Solutions?

Eh?

The solution, obviously, is to hold a General Assembly. In two weeks.

Because, of course, fourteen days is plenty time enough to book a venue, hire a caterer, make sure the Ministers and NGO dignitaries can attend (because we can get the invites out at least five days before), write the annual report (which is Leon's job - and he's away very poorly) and generally organise a rit good hootenanny.

But, actually, it will be plenty time enough, because we're only inviting 30 people. To our General Annual Assembly, which hasn't happened in two years.

FRW 965,000 - over GBP 1,000 on thir-teee people.

Rather more an elitist than 'general' assembly.

Geeze, well, that'll get the Ministries shaking in their boots. RESPECT THE RIGHTS OF DEAF PEOPLE! - look, we have thirty of them. Cower in terror, disobey the disability law at your peril, we will sign you down with the power of a slightly damp tissue flopping in the breeze! Watch our mighty numbers rise!

I tried my best. I tried explaining why we get very little kudos as an organisation for having no membership list. People listen when you say 'we represent 200 people,' they listen when you say 'our members are 500 strong,' we could easily top a couple of thousand in a weekend I reckon, nation-wide. But, as we can't be arsed keeping a list, despite several pained attempts to suggest it's a good idea, we are the proud representatives - if anyone asks - of no people.

But, there we are then, eh.

Horse, water, drink...

I'm tired.

It just reminds me so much of working at the BDA and opening the Sign Language Cultural Centre. What an amazing achievement that could have been. Gods knows it took long enough to get there. All those volunteers painting doors and laying carpet. All that time sweating over where to put the pot plants.

No grand opening, no fanfare, no 'Look at this, this is what we are!' - nooo, just all kind of died out like a fart in a gale. I mean, just for once I'd like to be on a really decent, well organised team with a really decent, well organised manager. I know I signed up to come here, not some private sector high-flying well-oiled machine. I do know that. And, mostly, I've been very happy here. It's just... I'm a bit fed-up now of just watching great opportunities slide away into the hushed tomes of history. Of course people say 'Well, do something about it! Make it great!' - but, realistically, you can only take it as far as your colleagues, and your manager, wish to go. Beyond that you run the risk of running yourself ragged to no avail. If nobody turns up to the party and you open the champagne, you'll end up with a headache... okay, that was a bit of a desperate analogy, but these are desperate times... goddamit *bangs fist on desk*

Do it the end of April - the GA - just give it one month's prep, a fighting chance to be something really proud of. That's all it'd take. But two weeks? When the co-ordinator is sick?

Anyway, it's not supposed to be my problem. I'm not to worry about it. I just have to focus on developing a national Deaf Awareness workshop for the third week in April.

Nice.

Because, obviously, when not a single volunteer signs up for Funding Training (on account of no per diem of course - the UK you pay to go on training, here you have to be paid to go...) and all of three people (women, naturally) want to know about Organisational Capacity Building... with such overwhelming enthusiasm, of course we're going to find five volunteers who want to create a Deaf Awareness workshop, and who have the attention span ranging more than a day without a five dollar bill incentive.

But, then, mustn't be cynical. We might just pull it off, though I'm not entirely sure where to start.

It just pains me. This GA could have been phenomenal. The launch of the first ever AKR Dictionary, so much to be proud of...

It's my own fault. I complained I didn't have anything to do. I should have realised by asking I would only pull down impossible tasks upon myself. Deaf Associations the world over, really. Comforting to know the BDA was no different. 'Cultural', I suppose ;)

I'm done with it, really. About as stimulated as decaf coffee with a sedative. The people I work with, when I do see them, are lovely, they really are so welcoming. So, maybe I'm better here than elsewhere. As my Programme Manager would have it, perhaps it's my 'character' that I'm not overawed by the whole thing and racing around in circles like a hyper-active puppy (counting bricks). I just can't keep this up much longer. I'm a volunteer whose advice they don't listen to, training they don't want, and paperwork they ignore. I am not needed here in any specialist form, just another pair of volunteer hands. I like them, they like me, but time for an income.

I'm browsing at the moment - just browsing. Curb crawling the bright lights of CV street. Not going to jump at anything, don't have to, got the time. May even last until the end of my placement, but it never hurts to cast your line, see if anything nibbles.

On the up-side, had a fantastic time with the arts group lately. Been trying to help them find a patron. Signed up for IMDB's free pro trial and pulled a load of potential contact details. The two VSO guys who set it up joined the FaceBook group I created. I might even get to meet one of them at some point.

The Single Parents' Network is holding its own, and Rose is doing well.

There are things worth sticking around for, but like I say - never hurts to look as time trudges on.