I is a Wrigher, Inni'

Eeeep.

My novel attempt got shortlisted for the Luke Bitmead Bursary for new writers. They're having a dinner in London on 29th but I doubt I'll make it. My flight home should be booked for 24th and I plan on spending Samhain (Pagan New Year) up in Scotland with friends on 30th/31st. Will be a bit much doing London too.

Still, even if it doesn't go any further, it's still extremely helpful to be able to say the book was shortlisted. Help to push it, and other work, in the future.

Went to see Rose yesterday to drop off the money for the shop. The stock she's brought back from Uganda is fantastic and she's already making money out of it. She seems much happier and it's about time. The issue of increased rent may be resolved as it's a large premises and the landlady is happy for her to sub-let, which will help cover her overheads.

I also went to Fina Bank who have now put a trace on the missing CWMF money from the last post. Hopefully should be able to tell us where that is on Monday. Really efficient lady on the case.

Still no joy with the Nakumatt manager. I'm determined to see him once before I leave, if only to get the dictionary back.

Anyway, I'm all in a tiz. Brain's turned to mush. Can't think rationally. Feel giddy.

The Holy Jah Doves cancelled their gig tonight, so I texted that guy who used to be mine to suggest a drink at Guinness Club in Gikondo, near the studio he works at. Then changed my mind and suggested he come over to mine for a bottle of wine. Then turned into a hormonal teenager and told him how much I missed him.

*Hangs head in shame*

So much for playing it cool. I reckon that guy's been to see the umupfumu, I'm sure of it. Four or five months of absolutely no contact, everything is perfectly fine, no bother at all. Then *wham* one week ago I start having these random dreams about exes, and when they stop I find I can't stop thinking about him!!!

I mean, seriously people - can't a woman keep her sanity in peace?

Must be juju. No other explanation. You can't even say 'spring hit' here - there are no seasons. Though I suppose you could say the 'wet season' hit... but that would just be wrong ;)

So, I'm giggling and acting like a silly girl. Martine and Ruairí were very patient with me. I saw them in town yesterday afternoon post-Fina Bank. I didn't hear back from him and I started to wonder if it was a sixth sense, primal instinct kind of thing, where telepathically I somehow knew he was with someone else and my territorial instincts kicked in?

I decided to asked Rose when I saw her whether he was seeing anyone else. She seemed to think he was. Said there were rumours of another muzungu, but she shrugged it off saying it could just be the guys he works with teasing him.

Ouch. Gutting. I sent him a text saying sorry for disturbing on him (Rwandan turn of phrase) and to be happy.

I wasn't prepared for how sick I felt inside. Honest to the gods, I have no idea why I'm acting this way. I'm a walking incarnation of 10cc's I'm Not In Love. It's painful.

I sent Martine a text saying what had happened and she told me to get my bootie on dawn to her place. Ruairí was staying with her too. I went home, showered, changed and headed to her place in Nyamirambo. In between which, I checked my e-mails and learned about the Luke Bitmead bursary - which brightened my mood considerably.

We had an excellent night the three of us, drinking and chatting and later dancing on the porch. Really was most excellent. Managed to forget all my worries, forget all my cares...

...woke up this morning sorely hungover. So much so that I lay in bed, heard the phone message alert beep twice, assumed it was Martine asking if I was still alive. Eventually dragged myself over to discover it was... you know who.

:o))))))))))

He doesn't think he's seeing anybody else. I said 'well, you ought to know!' But he's coming over later. I have a bottle of wine, the house is relatively clean (it'll be cleaner once I stop blathering and get tidying), and I'm out of my wits with nervous energy right now.

I could be faintly disgusted with myself for my pathetic lack of resolve, but sod it. I have one month left. I just hope I don't regret leaving it so late. No arguments, not enough time. Just plenty of 'quality' time ;)

From feeling sick with disappointment to sick with nerves in under 24 hours. Blah.

I am not in love.

I'm not.

Seriously.

What more can I say...?