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| Rwandan Drain |
Well, continuing on from 'Ugh Wharraday...' I think the stars are misaligned or something.
Not as bad a week as the German Ambassador's having, though:
I went to meet Giudi and Cathryn at the MTN Centre last night for cake. A huge lorry passed my gate with lots of men with megaphones and banners shouting about Germany not having arrested genocidaires on their own land. Was a little intimidating - obviously feelings are running high.
As already posted, there was a huge protest in town.
So, comparatively, my week can't be as bad as theirs.
But it doesn't feel good.
My twelve-month dip seems to be escalating into a 'what on earth am I doing here' kind of feeling.
Since the people from Electrogaz, I have continued to feel tearful, including a spat with the Programme Office (PO). My tone in arguing the Electrogaz bill, and my concerns over the PO safety policy, were considered unprofessional. Given the amount of stress I'm feeling at the moment, they were admittedly on the heavy side.
Apparently, the PO have no responsibility at all in helping me deal with my bill. That's the job of my placement, apparently.
I find this extremely hard to understand, as my placement have absolutely nothing to do with my accommodation. VSO pays it all, as my placement has no money. So, if VSO don't deal with it, and my placement don't deal with it... nobody deals with it.
The gripe about the security policy was having to find out about the protests from a friend, not from VSO. Not good for the new volunteers, popping into town to do their shopping to suddenly be confronted by a mob of angry protesters, possibly throwing stones at a Belgium lady's car.
First, the PO said they didn't know about the rallies and that it was up to us to be their eyes and ears - despite most volunteers having no access to television, radio, or internet. The PO have a much better news feed than we do. Plus, the government sent out text messages nationally in Kinyarwanda saying the rallies were being organised.
After forwarding the information in the e-mail I posted previously, they sent out text messages to all volunteers in Kigali. Which is a good step but, considering it's school holidays and many volunteers who don't live in Kigali are here anyway, it's surely better to tell everyone? Just: 'We're aware of protests in mumuji, we expect them to be calm. Avoid crowds.'
The PO did say that was a fair point, so all good I suppose. But it's worrying. When you hear nothing, you assume that the PO doesn't know these things are happening. You don't want to find out by getting caught in a rally on your way to Nakumatt.
Anyhooo.
I suppose I'm just sinking into a rut. I am completely and utterly, mind-numbingly bored with my role. My organisation do not need me. In the past twelve months, the only thing of significant value that I have personally achieved is IT training, and the strategic planning workshop and write-up. I was present, but surplus to requirements during the research. There are lots of ideas, but very little action in our office. The things I have tried to do have largely been ignored, although my colleagues are extremely nice to me, and the things that have been done haven't required my intervention.
I came out as a 'Researcher', the research has finished. I'm due a one-year review next week, hopefully to re-define my role but, really, it can't be anything I'm not already doing. What I'm already doing seems rather... flat.
I'm doing more training for the arts organisation, which is great, and doing stuff for the single parents network. But if the achievements I'm making are for other organisations, why am I with this one?
My skills fit the organisation. I can sign. But... so what? At the end of the day, what am I actually doing there other than counting bricks? I wonder if they were quite ready for a volunteer.
Essentially, my review is going to be an opportunity to ask some questions, provided I don't have to interpret the entire thing like last time. The whole team have been invited, so it's unlikely I'll get to say masses between interpreting for them. Our only Interpreter doesn't speak much English, and I speak no French.
My main questions are what they feel I've done for them in the past year, or helped them to achieve? What lasting effect my being here is having? What they feel I should be doing with them next year? I doubt that I'm going to get a very clearly defined or satisfactory answer. It's really gnawing at me, the thought of spending another twelve months staring at the walls. That's a lot of life to go by.
Combined with the frustrations of the PO, and the fact prices have soared since I arrived (many things have doubled in the past year, yet our allowance went up by £18) - you're just left with a really crappy feeling about volunteering.
This time last week I was feeling really loyal towards VSO, and committed to sticking it out. Now, I'm feeling distinctly uncertain about it all. My enthusiasm is drained. My friends say I've had a lot happen over the past few months and it's just taking its toll - they're going to look after me - but it isn't normal to be feeling this low about it all. Other volunteers have had family die over the past few months, and they're still at it and feeling motivated. Then, their jobs actually involve doing stuff. I've really got the blues.
To top it all, I took a very undignified dive down a drain last night. It was pitch dark, couldn’t see where I was going, and mistook the roadside trench for the path lol I managed to skin my palms and my knee, which really stings. I dowsed them in iodine when I got home and almost clawed the ceiling. But, far from laughing at me, Giudi and Cathryn started recounting the times they'd fallen down drains. Cathryn said at least I'd done it in the dark, she did it in the middle of a market in broad daylight! You have to be so careful around here. I just pray I never fall down the 7ft manhole in town, with the metal bars sticking out. You'd not be coming back up again if you did.
So, yeah. Fed up with work, fed up with finances, fed up with VSO, and fed up with the crappy weather we're having, Electrogaz, political unrest, and all that jazz. I really, really, really need to get out of Rwanda for a while. Can't wait until Christmas.
I've booked myself off work with stress until the end of the week. Going to Karen's leaving meal tonight. Yet another person I'm going to miss extremely mutchly. Hey ho.
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