Real Low

In the words of Clueless, I have a 'real sense of ickyness'.

Feel absolutely pants. Just got back from Jo's farewell pizza oven christening party. She leaves tomorrow. Went to Martine's last night and she's leaving in about a week. It's her farewell at India Khazana on Saturday.

But tonight was really bad. I just feel absolutely gutted, and I know I will miss her and Pierre hugely. Jo and Martine have been my best friends. Although Martine's back in January, I just feel horribly lonely. All of the main activities I took part in - Disability Meetings, Capacity Building - have ceased until later in the year, or next year, as there's nobody left. I didn't really feel it so much whilst my closest friends were still around, but this really bites. Giudi and Cathryn are in Kigali now though, so I'm not alone, but I really feel Jo's leaving. It's the end of my newbie era.

I guess I don't miss the gang back in Cardiff so much because I know they're mostly still there. I had all that time to prepare myself for leaving them. It feels a bit different when you're the one not going anywhere and everyone else is leaving. And all at the same time. I didn't have time to prepare.

Giudi's moving into Jo & Pierre's mini-house and will no doubt make use of the wonderful pizza oven overlooking a panoramic view of Kigali. There will be many nights there, and I have the duty of going over to look after Mweru, the mother of my kittens. Giudi isn't so much of a cat person... I know they'll be in touch, but it's just really sad.

Compounding the issue was JM. He was at the leaving do as most of Pierre's colleagues turned up and, in true Rwandese fashion, stayed just long enough to eat all of the food, applaud the speeches, and then all got up and left lol I'm tired of understanding courtship rituals here. Mostly it seems to entail blokes acting like knobs and expecting women to tell them they're God's gift. Though, he's not conceited. My way of looking at things must be just as perplexing. He stayed with his colleagues, I stayed with my friends. He texted after he left to ask what was wrong with me. I hadn't even greeted him. My reply was simply that he hadn't greeted me either, why's it up to me to go to him? As I hadn't heard from him in days, I assumed he wasn't that fussed.

The Rwandan equivalent of 'I fancy you' is never to turn up to anything, never to come over and chat, and never to invite her to anything, ever. Sadly, they've misjudged the line between 'playing it cool' and 'deep freeze'. I just can't be arsed in the mood I'm in. I'm feeling completely and totally anti-social. I don't want to make any new friends because they'll just leave. This was how Martine felt when Ginette and Ghislain left. I didn't understand it at the time, but now I feel like holing myself up with my cats and becoming a total recluse.

Enough whinging. I'm tired now and the man from Electrogaz is apparently coming early tomorrow. Twice now, they've sent them on the wrong days. Pacifique called me up today to say: "We sent someone but he couldn't find you." - "Yes. Today is Wednesday. We said Thursday, remember?" - "Yes, but he couldn't find you." - "That's because it is Wednesday. Tomorrow he come?" - "Oh, Thursday!" - "Yes, because today is Wednesday." - "Oh."

Nice guy, though. Sure it will all get sorted out in the end. VSO still haven't spoken to my landlady about the bill. Every time I ask Bosco about finding Arthur to come and fix my doors, he assures me that my water bill is being taken care of... hmmm.

Today was a productive day. I've met with Emmanuel and taught him as much as I can about creating budgets to ask for funding. He's the new Deaf Youth Rep. and wants to set up a sports day for the International Day of the Deaf on 28th September. Thought we'd left it a bit late, but VSO and the Paralympic Committee are offering support if we can show them a viable project. We really worked at it this afternoon and I feel good for the achievement.

I do need to go to bed now. Need to recover. I guess the one thing about people leaving is that I get lots of stuff. Jo's also given me a huge tub of Marmite lol Big goodie bag to look through tomorrow, which will cheer me up a bit.

Feeling fragile.